WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Long

awkward

pause ……….

Yes, I did it. Parking placard, code to the employee bathroom, cafeteria discount and all. I am currently working as a longer-ish term locum’s doc (in my side-eye, serious, index finger-out “FOR THE TIME BEING” voice).

Shortly after my last update I did actually start covering a group when they needed me for vacations. It was short and sweet, and they asked me back once. It helped rip off the bandaid. I was back on the horse. Then, an opportunity came about in one of my favorite communities where I used to practice. I’v been there off and on ever since.

WHY OH WHY Doc To Disco would you do such a thing?

Slightly alluding to previous posts, I filled in all the R.E. (retire early) tick boxes. You know like on the left side of the patient list where labs were pending, but now they’re back and you “done” it by filling in the little open square with black ink, doesn’t that feel SO GOOD? (insert big smile emoji here). Yup. Done and dusted, wrapped up in a bow. Not my entire bucket list, but many were achieved. Surprisingly, I was starting to miss my first love….. the human body and all its peculiarities (insert curious resting Grinch face here).

Unbeknownst to me, not to you outsiders looking in, I got bored. Living in the “civilian” population was getting to me. I needed intellectual banter with colleagues and friends. I needed efficiency. I was experiencing a slowness that I wasn’t ready for, still not ready for. I wouldn’t say I was having an existential crisis, it wasn’t that deep, but I didn’t have purpose and it felt unsettling. For lack of a better concept, it floored me that I didn’t have something “important” to do. You can only renovate so many bathrooms (I ran out of bathrooms). Having pretty much no aim made me feel unsteady, made me super-unsure of my entire back-history and current existence. Me of all people didn’t think it would go down like this, but it did and I am reporting it here.

I ask you……

When’s the last time you felt bored? Like truly “I don’t have anything I’ve got to get done in the next 48 hours, 2 weeks, or next 6 months, nothing pending, kind of bored”?

Exactly! Like the kids say “yeah- NO”. Not in a long time, maybe not EVER in your adult life. I bet you WISH this, right? Well, I am here to tell you, it’s F-ing unsettling. Especially for the bad-ass, “get-er” done, hustling types reading this blog.

YO ………..

……….For right now

I’m living with it.

I’m living with the reality of not having a change-the-world, change-myself purpose. I DO know one thing is for sure. I am GRATEFUL I found F.I.R.E.

Achieving it allowed me the SPACE to earnestly attempt getting over the suffocating and crippling burn-out that I endured and yeah – I’m saying it ………… contemplate my existence. That sounds so funny even admitting it, but it’s true.

MY IMPACT I HAVE ALREADY MADE IS ENOUGH, IT HAS TO BE ENOUGH.

I’ve been the captain of my own ship for a good period of time now. It’s not always been calm waters and I’ve definitely gotten lost, but it was ME navigating the ship and it’s made all the difference.

I can’t answer if pursuing a purpose is even a good or bad thing at this stage, just that I’m less chained to having one. Now that there’s at least one really good thing to get up for in the mornings, my mood and my perspective have shifted towards something better. Shout out to any readers with opinions, literature, or Yoda advice on Purpose, I’m all ears. Please share in the comments. As you know, I love a good self-improvement tip.

When I rejoined the work force, it became crystal clear what I was willing to do and what I was NOT willing to do. Upfront, the job opportunity is simply a hard pass if I know there are real pain-points. I don’t even think about it when people try to cross my boundaries, because I don’t let them. I say no and move on.

Having steady income again has been comforting. I haven’t had to dip into our retirement accounts at all and we’ve been on some pretty fabulous trips. BUT ……….. and let me say this loud and clear, maybe in sign language too. Even though the extra income is great. I DON’T NEED TO DO THIS FOR MONEY.

This part…….. right here…….. makes ALL the difference in the world!

It reinforces that achieving F.I.R.E. actually works.

It took a long time to figure out that for so many years, what I really craved was simply to make my own choice of how my work day (and some nights) would go. I don’t have to preach to the audience about what we do everyday. Cumulatively, it’s heavy……….. real heavy and many cases are unforgettable. No dollar amount or for that matter working as a physician (and all that it entails) is worth my mental health.

The camaraderie with my colleagues, seeing a reasonable amount of patients per day and having the flexibility in my weekly schedule on my terms has been truly satisfying. It leaves room for me to make my bed everyday, sit on the sofa and watch goofy Brit. mysteries, home improvement shows or just having time to straiten up my apartment and eating a home-cooked meal. At the end of the day, when I am semi-exhausted, it surprisingly feels good. A Chautauqua friend once said “like you’ve earned your exhaustion”. Yup, that resonates with me. Earning my exhausition.

WORKING AGAIN GAVE ME ONE OF MY PURPOSES BACK

Who knew you could be a normal human and practice medicine at the same time?

Ok. It wouldn’t be a tru Doc To Disco post if I didn’t lay out some “tips and tricks” slash hacks for this new chapter of life.

TIPS AND TRICKS

Briefly, I technically live across the country from where I am currently working so, in addition to accepting the going regional standard rate, I negotiated how many days I wold work per week, fully-paid rent in a furnished apartment, fully-paid transportation (car rental), 4 flights/year and absolutely no admin time, I am not even required to attend clinical meetings if I don’t want to.

Another personal hack I’ve implemented now that I’m back in the work force is buying used clothes. I bought the lion share of my (designer) clothes for 80% to 90% off from eBay. I wear a white coat everyday, so I concentrated on good quality items that had either holes, stains, or imperfections that I could hide under my white coat. Funny enough many people in the office compliment me on my outfits, I laugh to myself about how much I paid. I did buy comfortable new shoes. I draw the line at used shoes (hehehe).

NOT SO SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET

What are the drawbacks you ask?

Of course, it wouldn’t be a balanced article if it were all rainbows and Jamie 3:26 mixes everyday. There aren’t many but I’ll name a few.

I don’t know the system and it’s taking a long time for me to navigate all the new computer stuff, protocols, who to call for what, and the like. My vibe at work is……. I have no ego and a lot of patience. Most importantly, I ask for help (maybe too much). People have been so kind and generous about teaching me and showing me shortcuts.

I have no clout. Obviously no seniority, which is actually sometimes a good thing because I have no admin. responsibilities and no one asks me my opinion about stuff like that.

In the previous locum’s position, I knew only one person, and it’s hard to remember names when you’re not there long, so I have come into the habit of writing all of the staff names down on my last day and any clues to remember them by. Luckily for me, in this current position, I’ve worked in the community for most of my career so I know a fair amount of the doctors and have good relationships with them and all the new people I’ve met as well. So I guess the hack here is to always be helpful and make new friends, almost like a new adventure. It’s turned out well so far.

But there is uncertainty which brings me to my last drawback. Now that I’ve started working again pretty regularly, it feels great, but I know it will end. Then what D2D? No doubt they would love for me to stay permanaently, as they have asked me several times if I want a “real” job, but my gut just won’t commit to it (eeeekkkk). I guess for me, deep in my soul, it’s not the perfect fit. So until then, if it doesn’t meet all of my “Goldilocks” criteria, this too shall pass.

To sum up, I am grateful I had the opportunity to work again.

F.I.R.E. 6 YEARS LATER…….

WHAT REMAINS THE SAME?

After reviewing previous posts on this blog – what’s been eye-opening for me are a few things that HAVE remained the same.

I’m still kind of bougie-cheap. Even though I have more monthly dough than I’ve had in almost 6 years, I still value a good deal, a brainy/slick hack and I still shop at Dollar stores. Having said that, I still buy food from organic/high-end grocery stores too. I still drive my electric car and still charge it at the free charging stations down the street from my house. I’m also still living like a college student in our multi-family complex, but we own it……….. Bougie/cheap (in my Megan Thee Stallion voice). We finished every apartment except ours, we are hoping to get it done some time by next year.

No more long-game “hustles” that got me where I am today. Been there, done that, they are working. Feeling comfortable reaping the benefits. Weirdly I don’t have that subconscious pull anymore to create a dollar out of 15 cents. Although on 2nd thought owning a laundromat would have been sweet, if only for the ASMR value (hehehehe).

……. I’M STILL TIRED Y’ALL.

My lazy genes are still transcribing an abundance of “slow my ass down” proteins (hehehe). The current energy remains “let’s not, but say we did”.

HMM, WHAT ELSE?

We still got in a bit of traveling. Most inspiring was a trip to Vietnam. Mr. D2D and I along with a fellow Chautauquan had a month’s-long adventure there. The scenery, the history, the FOOD (insert Michelin stars here), and the genuinely warm people of Vietnam gave me a lifetime of memories.

Still haven’t fulfilled my idea of “Nobel prize-worthy” volunteer work (insert hilarious emoji here). All the absurdly ridiculous unobtainable goals that you think you’re going to concur in retirement. In post-retirement life; they become a forgotten hallucination (insert embarrassed emoji here). I learned this type of work is not my jam and I am ok with it. My skill set lies elsewhere, like sending embarrassing love-bomb emojis to my nieces and god-daughter and threatening them to “come-through” when they are home from college so we can discuss the very deep philosophical feminist articles I randomly send them (hehehe). I still contribute to and participate in my favorite alumni organization. Instead of official volunteer stuff, I gravitate towards helping individual young people when I feel my help will make a lasting impact. I guess I’ve always been that person. In summary, my scope of volunteering is grass-roots; one budding feminist at a time.

Finally, without saying, I am STILL partying and dancing to Disco which often requires a long plane ride. Did I really have to say that? Dancing to Disco is a given for D2D.

WHAT IS THERE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR?

……. what I’ve been grateful for in the past. Health, partnership, grand babies, my family and friends, my brain and hmmm VTSAX & HRT (big-teeth emoji).

Lately, I am grateful for all of the uncomfortable and unpredictable life lessons gleaned over the past several years. As my niece recently told me, her only update is “Life is life-ing”, I SAY DITTO and I’m here for it.

In summation, I’ve taken a big leap here my D2D readers. Many of you have since joined me, but many more are still contemplating this weird existence and I love that you’re still curious about it and curious about what it’s like on the other side of that red pill. In all truth, what I REALLY want YOU to LEAN INTO is the “what do I do now after I’ve met all my post F.I.R.E. goals?” part.

Six years later, this gal went back to work………

I’m just going to leave it there………. (insert awkward silence here).

It has always been one of the missions for the D2D blog to report my truth with eviscerating honesty and for it to remain a place for my brethren. To let you know I’m still out here in these post-F.I.R.E. streets trying to make my way.

I’ll leave you with MoodyMann.

I’m Doing Fine.

*** For those who actually listen to the song, switch out “someone else” and “by myself” to “I’m an autonomous locums doc now y’all”. YYYYYAAAAASSSSS.

Peace out my Doc and Disco peeps.