Hi Guys,

I am so grateful for some of you who are still reading my blog and reaching out to me. Thank-you for making sure I’m still alive. I truly appreciate it.

It’s been hard to admit, actually THE main reason why I haven’t posted in over 8 months.

ANXIETY

It’s because of the watershed moment when I learned that the most pivotal life-changing things (phew- mostly good in retrospect) that occurred in my life were because of anxiety. I simply couldn’t write anymore after learning this about myself.

Upon reflection, a VERY expensive reflection (more on that later-hehehe); anxiety is HOW and probably WHY I became a millionaire under the age of 50.

I suspect some of you reading this blog can relate. It’s a path I’ve been on for some time now and I feel a little (like a smidget) more comfortable talking about it.

Backing up a bit, I was discussing hyper-saving and “money-personalities” with a few of my close F.I.R.E. friends and it got me to thinking. What is it? What is that ONE thing we all share? I couldn’t put my finger on it. I joked that I should write a post on the diagnostic criteria of being F.I. (hehehe).

Without uncertainty for me – it was my anxiety; the ONE salient feature (yeah-that part- insert sad emoji here).

Some of you know that my early life was a little bit rough around the edges. In truth, I wouldn’t trade it for the world because what I have come to learn is that my early experiences were later honed into the fine piece of granite I am today. Successful, unflappable, solid and …………..F.I.R.E.D.’ed Bitches! Oops, that’s my hyper-vigilant/ready to fight anxiety girl rearing her ugly head again- SOR-RY.

Only recently, I discovered that the life-long feeling of “impending doom” I have suffered from ticks so many boxes for the “why’s” in my life. Like why I act the way I do, why I made stupid decisions to pay off my gigantic student loan debt instead of my higher interest but smaller dollar amount credit card debt and why I consider myself a hustler.

I won’t lie, my anxiety has crippled me in innumerable ways that I can’t even measure because the enormity of it will recapitulate into more anxiousness for me (urgh). But, without waver, it produced inner- SO DEEP (in my James Earl Jones voice) tendencies, habits and idiosyncrasies that made the difference between me and my counterparts who talked about retiring early or still complain today that they want to quit. They just don’t have that inner voice telling them the world is going to end next month or next year and I’m JELLY – hahahaha.

Today, I thank my anxiety.

Instead of those hyper-vigilant thoughts always having a grip on my inner-most peace; I am learning to embrace it as it has been the greatest teacher of all.

Signs and Symptoms of becoming F.I.R.E. through anxiety

1. Hyper-vigilance. My legit and constant vigilance propelled me in ways I can only laugh about now. Checking my accounts sometimes every day and updating my gains for months on end were obviously times where I was highly anxious. Anyone who has P.T.S.D. knows that having a “plan” helps sooth our souls. I gained so much pleasure mapping out intricate plans for my money when I got my bonus or any other windfall. No sir-ree will it go to waste, not one penny will be mismanaged. Little did I know it was because of the bad habit of being constantly vigilant working in the background. You never get a “day off” from your thoughts (or can you? click on this, maybe you can).

2. Marathon Mentality. I completed two fellowships after residency surpassing many on my “run”. Who was I running from? Always going for another finish line. Until I realized I had already passed it many times over. Urgh! I was told that this part of my “tenacious personality” rooted from emotional hunger. BINGO! My insatiable need of being a good doc, becoming financially independent, fill in your own blank was the truth! Here’s a secret, I still CRAVE hyper-saving, my emotional hunger taking over.

3. Grit. If you asked me in my 20’s “Hey D2D, you can get into medical school if you walked from here to Turkey”, I’de answer back “DO-ABLE”.

I WILL it SO and it WILL happen!

Nothing and I mean hardly anything could dissuade my grind, I am a dog with a bone. Because anxiety was always there gnawing at me to go succeed and get-ER done. My hedonic treadmill was passing exams, best endorphins ever! I did NOT do this consciously folks, this was my hippocampus taking the wheel.

4. A loner. I feel and have always felt different from other people, so it was comfortable for me to do things outside the scope of “normality” like wanting to go to school for so long and then retiring early. To want my own laundromat, or not buying that fancy car until I could pay cash and of course snickering at “The Jones” and the folks trying to keep up with them – hehehe. That’s me, a fish swimming upstream.

5. “High-Bar” Living. aka rigidity to most. It REEEAAALLLYYY had to be important and unquestionably logical for me to change my budget, decrease my savings plan or not meet a goal. Because as a kid, at least once, my life WAS on the line and so – there was no room for mistakes, coming in 2nd and definitely no back-up plan. My subconscious told me there were ONLY STEPS FORWARD. Sound familiar to any over-achiever’s out there?

But here’s where it went left.

I know what you’re already thinking. Duh D2D, this is where you lie in your bed you made for yourself right? I’m sure you realized the connection a few paragraphs ago, but for me, it’s taken a good minute to figure out that my unrelenting perseverating voice in the back of my head was ALSO the main reason why I retired from medicine so early…………………..something I DIDN’T plan for.

My anxiety getting the best of me at an age where I should have been hitting my prime and I was. I retired as the director of my small department at the top of my game. I couldn’t have asked for better colleagues and most patients and I will ALWAYS have gratitude for my career. But, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore practicing in my work-landscape. Too many cutting corners for my perfectionist worry wort soul.

Fast forward 2+ years out of “the trenches”, here we are…………. in this post apocalyptic A.C. (after COVID) life, and for me retirement life. There are many super-achievers/over-achievers, what ever you want to call us with the same anxiety I suffer from who don’t know it but none-the-less manipulated it to their advantage. In fact, I know FOR-A-FACT that I am not alone. Can I get a whoot-whoot for anxiety? Hmm, probably not.

I am still learning and I don’t know all of the ripple effects of anxiety on my life, but here’s what I do know. I miss writing and being real with my readers. It’s always scary to put yourself out there like this but as I call my blog “hey- free therapy” (hahaha- my Psych friends are cringing right now), I will continue to give you my duodenum, jejunum and ileum when required.

Do you see yourself in any of these “signs and symptoms”? Has anxiety catapulted you to the victory of F.I.R.E.? I am eager to hear from you. Let me know by subscribing or dropping a line about your story.

Until we meet again, here’s to finally looking at the glass 1/2 full and finding your rainbow (insert big Oprah hug here).

I’m dancing it out to a Joey Negro mix he just released (fast forward to minute 30- one of my favorite songs- yyyyaaaasss).