“Ain’t Nothin’ Changed But My Limp” – Ma$e

Whew! It has been one full year since I took the F.I.R.E. plunge. And what a year it has been! Who knew that when I was making the biggest change in my adult life that there would be a Global pandemic that would affect all of our lives!

Well, how did it go? (insert your favorite question meme here).

Here’s what I expected, here’s what actually happened and here’s what I see on the horizon.

What has changed?

What has remained the same?

What do I do more, and what do I do less?

What are the surprises?

What predictions panned out?

Which one’s didn’t?

What do I miss about my former career?

What feels weird or uncomfortable about F.I.R.E.?

What do I see in my future?

What has changed?

First off, several of my predictions were wrong and my first year of early retirement was like a logistic regression w/ a huge dependent variable named COVID!  Thus- in the future if anyone wants to do a pooled odds ratio including “my case” as a data point; the study will be skewed due to COVID (hehehe- in my 2nd-year fellow – finishing up her abstract at 11:59 for a 12 AM national meeting deadline voice).

Shockingly – I don’t listen to my F.I.R.E. podcasts or read my favorite F.I.R.E. Blogs on a regular basis. I feel like that chapter of accumulation and financial reckoning are behind me and I am now on a new chapter of hmm – I wouldn’t say self-discovery because that’s too cliche but more about getting back to basics – spending time with people I truly care about and love. 

The COVID pandemic has facilitated not having to deal with relatives that I don’t care for, friends I’ve grown out of and especially colleagues/work-friends I no longer am forced to foster relationships with.  I am free to spend my time any way I choose. I didn’t realize this until late last summer, but my body just won’t meet with that former colleague for a hike, or reach out to “work-friends” anymore.

I lost 15 lbs, then gained about 5 lbs back.  I have tried to incorporate fitness into my daily routine regardless where I happened to be or what I am doing.  Not only did I want to loose those extra-stress pounds I gained over the years, but increasingly there seems to be more literature on the mental benefits of regular exercise.   Just for that added boost of supposed “happiness” I’m all-in for regular exercise in my almost daily routine.  I can honestly say that I feel more calm, maybe even a little happier throughout my day and the week when I have exercised at least 3x/week.

I had all these plans (pre-pandemic) to travel, visit many old friends and relatives, etc.  But the pandemic had other plans for us all. Since I don’t have to trade time for money- I value it much much more and the COVID pandemic makes the appreciation of that time exponential.   

The road trips we took this summer were well thought out and spent with people I genuinely enjoy being around. However, the most fulfilling trip I took was going to spend time with our new grand-child for 3 glorious weeks. I would NEVER have had the time in the past to spend that long with them and it just emphasized for me the real reason I retired. I spend my time how I deserve to spend it. There is nothing better than holding that precious child all day, I tell you, nothing better!

What has remained the same?

Our financial plan is working. I will say psychologically it has hurt to not see more income from my AirBnB and to take out money from retirement accounts I had not planned on, but in no way did I worry about my financial well-being. What a blessing.

Mantras that have remained constant are “stay in your lane” and “don’t reinvent the wheel”.  I continue to maximize my investment in rental property and have abandoned other “money-making/get my hustle-on” business opportunities I always thought I wanted. Ha! No side-hustles for me! 

Thirdly, I must admit the reason why I have chosen to remain out of contact with greater than 95% of the people I worked with is that I do have a bit of PTSD related to my former career.  Everyday, it dissipates but it’s not totally gone, and I can tell this by my almost visceral avulsion away from all-things former medical career.  

Regarding volunteering, it didn’t go completely how I envisioned it. Some of it was due to the pandemic, but mostly, I’ve figured out that I don’t like to “officially” participate. I still want to and end up helping but on my terms.   I find it more rewarding helping the individual and not the amalgamous “organization”.  I like to see my tangible efforts turn into meaningful change. So I’ve modified my volunteer goals accordingly. 

I still go off into tangents researching “odd-ball” subjects and questions I have on the internet, granted- I do have a lot more time to indulge.  But I don’t agonize over how much time I’m “wasting” anymore.  Having no set time-limit on my “research” has definitely lowered my blood pressure and increased my relaxation.

I still watch too much TV. Could be constantly quarantining, could be my dwindling eye sight (not reading books), or could be the up-regulation of my lazy gene (insert cheshire grin here), who knows?

I still spend most of my time in the bed – yes, my bed (anywhere it may be at the time) is still my most coveted place on earth (more on that in a separate post).

What do I do more, and what do I do less?

I certainly listen to my favorite music more, but I make less mixes weirdly.  I guess there are so many great DJ’s spinning from home now on so many different platforms that I have a constant stream of musical choices to enjoy.

I go out on nature hikes more.  I still like to go solo and I have done more of this, but much less places than I could go.  I don’t know if I am scared about going to an unfamiliar place because of COVID or I’m just being lazy.  In the future, I would like to explore more trails and hikes I had planned on exploring after I FIRE’ed.

I am being totally transparent and honest here. Unfortunately I have argued with my husband more.  We’ve had some really bad fights, and I have “left” in anger on at least two occasions during the pandemic, but at the end of each fight, we’ve grown to understand ourselves and each other on a deeper level, so even though it hurt to argue and to be really mad at one other, it birthed growth for me as an individual and for us as a couple.  

With time on my hands (enhanced by forced quarantine),  I had the time to analyze my behavior and reaction to events and try to learn from them.  I have also apologized for times when I could have been a better person towards him and forgiven myself for how I acted and reacted in the past.  I think the silver lining is that we understand each other better.  Disclaimer – I read a lot about this subject too and I anticipated this, so for that reason and the fact that my husband is a great solid/stand-up dude I was certain we would weather any storms. 

I spend more time with the friends and family I truly love and care about and spend less-to-NO time with friends I either have grown out of or was forced to have a working relationship with.  I feel that chapter is over in my life.  No longer a high-earning/clout-having specialist, I am the 2-0-clock in the afternoon Disco mix-dancing Lady enjoying conversations with friends about all the fun ways to save money and secret “cheap-girl” wins like charging my car at the free-charger and sewing two T-shirts together to make a new night-gown ( hehehe). One quick shout-out to my cousin.  We laughed for hours about how she stocked up on wine from the dollar store!

Yyyaaasss- dollar-store wine!  She is the money-saving G.O.A.T. for sure! hahahahaha

What are the surprises?

The biggest one that sent me for a loop is that I don’t obsess over my finances anymore.  It’s totally cray-cray.  I used to check my Vanguard account weekly, mortgage interest and debt snowball spread sheets updated manually online regularly. Net worth checks frequently have all gone by the waist side.  Ha!  I haven’t done any of these things on a regular basis probably since the month after I retired.  SHOCKING!!!!

The second biggest change is that I no longer listen to my once favorite F.I.R.E. podcasts or read my daily F.I.R.E. blogs that I was accustomed to reading all of the time.  It’s funny – I don’t see the value in it anymore.  Been there, done that is my attitude now.  Sure, on occasion I listen to the “cheers/you did it” stories and the new book out on some behavioral F.I.R.E. trait we all have, but far less than I listened and read in the past.   It doesn’t interest me much these days. 

Not saying that I have it all figured out, but I guess the closest analogy is that  adding more substrate to a maxed-out enzymatic reaction yields no further product.   I’ve maxed out the financial reactions and put them on auto-pilot, other than small little mis-steps that are incumbent upon all of us as I am NOT perfect, more knowledge and more tweaking is not going to result in much more optimization.

The third biggest surprise was starting this Blog.  Say whaaattt? I had absolutely NO intention of writing for a Blog less-long starting my own, but what I wanted to share poured out of me.  I am not consistent at all but when I get the inspiration I promise I will share it with you.  I truly feel that if I help just one person navigate this “back into civilian life after the war”- I will continue to have a reason to write.

The final surprise alluded to earlier is that I have a physical aversion to interacting with anyone work-related in my former job.  I really miss some people I worked with but the lion share I don’t miss.  I can’t quite put my finger on why I have such an adverse reaction, but it’s there and I have to acknowledge it.  A tangible thing  I can point to is that I cherish my privacy (hahaha as I pour out all my details in this Blog – yup – I am a hypocrite and I know it, clap my hands-clap-clap). 

I relish living in private.  Not having to answer ridiculously invasive questions like, “why did you quit, was it because of so and so, how much money have I saved, am I going to sell my house, where will I live, how my husband and family feel about me “giving up and quitting medicine”?  It was all just voyerism on their part, none of those people truly wanted a blue-print for how they could do it, or had my well-being in mind, but more to be up in my business, so those people are still cut-off and for good.  Bye Felicia.  

What predictions actually happened?

As I look back on my F.I.R.E.ed “wish list”, I would say I accomplished about 35%.  At first glance this looks like an EPIC fail and it does.  The COVID virus shut-down threw everything for a loop.  But I am NOT complaining!  While my colleagues took care of the country during our greatest time of need in our lifetimes, I had the choice to not work in this pandemic and I am forever grateful. 

Strait up, most docs that I know and have spoken to who had the choice of working or not working in this pandemic would have chosen not to work.  I think this reflects our age group more than anything because if this would have happened 20 years ago in my career or even 10 years ago, I would have chosen to work regardless of my F.I. status.  Again, being totally honest here, I am eternally grateful for having the choice.

Getting back to what actually got accomplished.  We finished minor renovations and sold a rental property, we are working on finishing renovations at our primary residence and preparing it for sale.

I was able to spend extended time with close friends and their families that I will always cherish. 

I conducted an anatomy “class” for a few chosen children in my family/friends group which was so rewarding and an unequivocal source of comedy in my life (i.e. “where exactly is the heart damaged when your girlfriend breaks up with you?”) hahahahaha

Here’s a good one – I didn’t go back to work, nope! 

It’s a wrap for me, at least for now, no question about it. Not the day I retired and not now, one year later.  I had a great career, saw great cases, took care of a lot of sick patients, and developed long-lasting camaraderie with my colleagues, but in the construct of my former work, I had enough, and I (unlike most others who have NO idea what it is like) am resonate with not practicing anymore for my near and extended future.  It doesn’t define me.

What didn’t pan out?

I didn’t get depressed as some predict in early retirement.  I’ve definitely gone through sadness with feelings of loss, almost bereavement of my former life, but not depression.  

I didn’t start that laundromat, Etsy store, or any other “hustles” I had in mind when I immediately retired.  For one, the fear of “is this financial plan of mine going to work” has gone away. Our current source of income (savings and rental income) has panned out even better than expected. 

The other factor is the up-regulation of my laziness.  hahahaha- Newton’s second law, if something is stationary it will remain stationary until an equal and opposite force meets it.  Yup- that’s where I am; stationary (hehehehe). 

I didn’t get that gig as a DJ at The Boiler Room hahahaha- I didn’t even pursue DJ lessons (mostly due to COVID restrictions) and I am fine with that, I am open to exploring it in the future but for right now, I am happy shaking my peh-tootie to other people’s mixes. 

I didn’t learn Spanish like I wanted to mostly again due to the pandemic as we were supposed to go live in Andalusia for a few months.  I guess I could have learned on-line, but not as fun.  

What do I miss about my former life/career? 

Very little, but to be dead-honest – I miss the “clout”, I miss the puzzles being solved and I miss the steady pay-check. That’s it. Would I go back to my former career if the opportunity was mint?  I would consider it only if I had more autonomy, and certainly not full-time.

What feels weird or uncomfortable about F.I.R.E.?

What still feels weird/uncomfortable about being F.I.R.E.ed are the dynamics of some friendships and family relationships. Talking about money now that the cat is out of the bag (early retirement) is REAL dicy and it can go in many weird and awkward directions. 

People assume I am rich when in reality I spend considerably less $ than most folks do on living expenses and much much more on investments.  People assume I had to quit medicine because something “bad” happened or I couldn’t “hack it” anymore.  People have all crazy types of notions about early retirement. 

I wish I noticed earlier that some feel quite intimidated – so I try to tone it down and not bring it up as much as I used to when I was in the “scream from the Mountain tops; F.U. I’m F.I.R.E.’ed BITCHES” phase, hehehehe- please forgive me.   Instead, I frame my responses to a more “what is important to me in my life now is spending time the way I choose”– and then people seem to grasp the concept better.  

In summary, what have I learned about myself and what do I see in my future.

“Things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out”

– Jack Buck

Am I happier, no. But I am much less stressed, I don’t perseverate anymore over things I can’t control, I don’t have bad dreams and I have significantly less anxiety.  I welcome laziness with open arms, and I enjoy “wasting time” tremendously!

At the moment, I have no purpose in life and “it feels good, yeah” (Tony Toni Tone). I’ve learned that the world will still turn if I don’t accomplish my goals, and to “Let it Be” (The Beatles). I strive to be more honest in my daily life and not to “fake the funk” anymore. Life is too short for all that. I’ve learned to embrace all the good but also the not-so-good aspects of my personality and I try to do better, but I give myself permission to be human and to make mistakes and to own them too.

Regarding my future, I honestly have no idea, I know that I would like to stay married, I pretty much know that I won’t be working as a doctor any time soon and I know that I will continue to meet each day with LOW EXPECTATIONS! hehehehehe YUP!

Please, PLEASE share your story below!  If you are like me and paranoid about self-identification, make up a name, and just pour out your story, trust me, it’s more than therapeutic, it’s life-affirming!